From the website of the Kantonschule Luzern, Switzerland
of English humour:
wife's an angel."
"Really? Mine's still alive."
bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian."
visitor to Ireland asked a farm labourer for the time.
"Sure, it's twelve o'clock, your honour," answered the Irishman.
"Only twelve?" asked the traveller doubtfully.
"I thought it was much later than that."
"Oh, no, Sir, it never gets later than that in these parts."
"Well, Sir, after twelve o'clock it goes back to one."
small, thin man walked into a pub and shouted angrily, "Who painted my car
bright purple ?"
A huge man with big muscles got up and said frighteningly ,"I did."
"Oh," said the small man, "I thought I'd let you know that the first coat's dry."
to St Peter at the gate of Heaven: "You must be bored with your job showing
people in year after year, century after century?"
"You must remember, here in Heaven things are measured differently. A million years are but as one minute; a million pounds are but as one shilling."
Irishman: "Could you give me a shilling, Holy Saint?"
St Peter: "Certainly - in a minute!"
very rich Texan was sitting in a bar in Dublin and as he got drunker so he got
louder and more boastful about his home state.
"In Texas", he said arrogantly, "a man can get on a train on Monday morning, eat and sleep on that train all through Monday and all through Tuesday. And when he gets off that train on Wednesday, he's still in Texas."
The barman looked up and shook his head, "Sure, it's terrible," he said. "We've got slow trains in Ireland too."
you mustn't use 'a' before a plural - you
say 'a' horse, not 'a' horses."
"But, Miss, the vicar's always saying 'a-men'."
don't want you using those bad words any more."
"But, Mother, Shakespeare uses them."
"Well, don't play with him again."
family seated in a restaurant had finished their dinner when the father called
over the waiter.
"Yes, Sir?" said the waiter.
"My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate," explained the father. "Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?"
"Gosh, Dad!" exclaimed the excited boy. "Have we got a dog then?"
Drowning man: "Help, I can't swim!"
Passer-by: "So what? I can't play the piano, but I don't shout about it."