Personality Traits common to Abusers and Abused

Traits which are common in the abusive personality are:

    Uncontrolled temper

    Extreme jealousy

    Intense fear of abandonment

    A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment.

    Unrealistic expectations of a relationship.  (For a "fix" or to solve their problem.

    Isolation and antisocial temperament.

    Recklessness.  (Dangerous sexual behaviour, reckless driving, drug use.)

    Inability to accept responsibility for their behaviour and actions regardless of consequence.

    Cruelty to children and/or animals.

    Threats of violence.

    Low self-esteem, shame.

    Co-dependent personality disorder and/or love addiction.

    Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries; a compulsion to violate boundaries.

    Drug or alcohol dependency.

    Emotional volatility - fear of being out of control.

    Need for power and control to compensate for the above.

    Bipolar disorder and/or borderline personality disorder.

    Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.

Traits which are common in the partners of abusers are:

    Intense need for love and affection.

    Low self-esteem.  The believe that they don't deserve better treatment.

    Drug or alcohol dependency.

    A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

    Adult Children of alcoholics or addicts.

   Co-dependent personality disorder and/or love addiction.

    Enforced isolation creating resentment.

    Strong need for a relationship to validate them.

    Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.

    Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.

    Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalise it, act it out in other ways.

    Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety.

    Belief that "it will change if I just try harder."

    Repeated attempts to leave the relationship.

    Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and again. 

    Clinical depression, self-medication.

    Suicidal ideation or attempts.