The Eurish Language
[An internet offering that may have slipped past you the first time around]
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Eurish for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead
of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this
news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k".
Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f".
This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and
they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.
. . . ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!